Thinking about relationships

Al and Tipper Gore’s apparently amicable separation after forty years of marriage has caused or coincided with a flurry of articles about human relationships. A number of these articles emphasize the difficulty of actually knowing the state of another marriage. One study showed clips of 10 couples interacting to 200 people that included pastors, marital therapists, and relationship scientists. The researcher knew that half of the couples had divorced. Yet the purported experts correctly identified the five couples that had split only half of the time.

Relationship research has discovered that some people sustain a high level of romance for decades, complementing the affection and companionship that typically characterize long-term relationships. (Tara Parker-Pope, “Researchers Study Brain Scans for Insight to Marriage,” New York Times, June 4, 2010)

Other researchers report that sometimes a pet offers more emotional support than a partner does. Some pets invariably greet their owner with affection and a warm welcome, something that some couples lose over time. (Tara Parker-Pope, “What Pets Can Teach Us About Marriage,” New York Times, June 2, 2010) This research coheres well with research that shows the best predictor of whether a marriage will fail is the frequency of negative interactions between the two people. The more bickering, fighting, sniping, etc., the more likely it is that the couple will separate.

So what does this mean for the average couple?

First, any relationship requires commitment. Speculation runs rife that the Gores are splitting because they have grown apart since he lost the presidential election to George W. Bush. His interests have centered on environmental concerns; her interests have focused on family and photography. These divergent interests represent a significant change from the common interests in politics and child raising that characterized their first three decades together.

Second, finding a partner with whom one enjoys both ongoing romance and companionship is important. Plan romantic interludes; make an effort every day to make your partner feel special and appreciated.

Third, hanging tough during difficult times is probably worthwhile. Not only does happiness frequently increase with age (Nicholas Bakalar, “Happiness May Come With Age, Study Says,” New York Times, May 31, 2010), but subsequent partners tend to resemble their predecessors. In other words, the devil one knows may, in time, outshine the devil one does not know. However, hanging tough at the cost of abuse – physical or emotional – is foolish and wrong.